Just a quick one. Firstly thankyou to many many cyber and real friends for a) caring, b) helping, and c) shouting at me. The past 6 or 7 months have been a rollercoaster and mostly I have just rolled with it. I have to be honest though, it has been so damn hard. I have not told anybody this but four days after I found out about the rape I took a massive overdose. Obviously it didn’t work and it basically made me really fucking ill for a few long days. Everybody says “get help”. I know this will sound arrogant and a bit selfish but how would an outsider be able to help? The worst bit about this sort of thing is knowledge. I am an intelligent person and am totally self aware and this just magnifies my turmoil a terrific amount. I’m sure a few people will try to understand this.
I am writing this on a mobile so apologies for lack of paragraphs. I just found the paragraph button.
Since that failed attempt I have not done anything. I have wanted to but have fought it. Until last night. I don’t know what the trigger was this time. I’m sure many of you have seen me lose it now and then on twitter, I am one of these people who is not very good at hiding my feelings when they become unbareable. It isn’t just a mental pain. I feel sore inside. I don’t eat properly. I don’t sleep properly. I drink far too much. I cannot stop crying. I KNOW ALL OF THIS YET I CAN’T FUCKING DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT AND THIS IS WHAT I CANNOT DEAL WITH. I can’t deal with dealing with it. And I must. Now.
Last night I tried to cut my wrist. Two knives, none of them good. My poor lovely son walked in and screamed. A lovely lady who is not an interfering busy body from twitter called the police. A bobby called at the door and said a friend from Liverpool had alerted them. He was a lovely man. We chatted it all through alltogether. He said I had two options. I go to hospital with him or he sections me. I was elated I was going to get some help and I felt an almost instant relief.
He booked me in at A and E. I saw a nurse. Then a doctor. Then a man from the crisis team. All over many hours. Sadly I left there feeling exactly the same. He said if you have done it once or twice you will do it again or you have to stop it. I said okay. He said if I had managed to live with it for all those years why wasn’t I now? Then he gave me a leaflet. I stomped out muttering thanks for your deep and meaningful insight but he proved my point. Sadly my opinion that professionals are not going to understand is proved right. I have to deal with this myself. Which I will. For my boys and family and friends. I will get rid of these fucking demons by facing them head on. No longer am I going to be a victim. The end.