I would like parliament more, if they did a christmas special.
That is how this little bundle of mindbending fuckery started. So I thought I would stick it all in a helpful blog. FOREVER. THE TWEETS AS THEY HAPPENED…. IN ALL THEIR UNEDITED NAKED GLORY…..
“Hold a speaker in the air, stick a hoody up your nose, drive a water tank, stick your willy in the hose….
Paint a lefty green, drink some tea with Rizla Teef, wear your wife’s twinset, and dance with Kay Burleeeey…
That is the sort of deep and meaningful type of song I want to write. For a parliament and sky news christmas special. Narrated by Jeremy Paxman.
Segment for Ed and his bro. Picture The Proclaimers with guitars but it is them….
You wanna be in Miliband Miliband Miliband, you wanna be in Miliband, oh yeah, (solo:) I’m the leader, I’m the leader, I’m the leader. Oh.
“OH NO YOU ARE NOT!” “OH YES I AM” (ENTER From stage left: Vince Cable. With a fishing rod. Some chicken. Beer.)
(Enter from a hole in the stage: Kay Burley with an AK47 styled as a microphone. Dressed as Catwoman. But with a bigger arse.)
(Exit from stage: Harry Hill. He cannot deal with this fight.)
Gordon Brown strolls on with an acoustic guitar. Singing “You fill up my senses, like a night in the forest. Like a mountain in springtime..”
Is anybody still following me because fuck knows where I am going with this.
Big massive drumroll…. ENTER THE BIG BADDIE NICK CLEGG. ON HORSEBACK DRESSED AS AN EIGHTEENTH CENTURY STREET ROBBER…..
“I’m the cunty highwayman you’re all too scared to mention. I get my cash from cutting stuff and grabbing back your pensions”
(Entrance from a bungee rope, sporting very blond hair and milky bar kid glasses…..Is it a bird? No! Is it a plane? No! It can only be…
BO JOOOO! EVERYBODY STOPS. BO JO PULLS OUT A UKULELE FROM HIS JOCK STRAP. EVERYBODY STARES. “MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE ONE IS A LONDONER!” HE SAYS.
The man beaming footage live to his friends across the planet via Sangat tv is even struggling for words. He just mouths “peace” to camera.
SUDDENLY. A QUIET VOICE IS HEARD. EVERYBODY LOOKS TO WHERE IT IS EMINATING FROM. IT IS VINCE. HE IS PUTTING ON WHITE GLOVES. HE PAUSES…
“What about sunshine? What about rain? What about all the things, that you said we were to gain?” Everybody cuddles. And joins in EARTH SONG.
The curtain closes. All that can be heard is George Osborne crying about having his bit cut.
This is the best blog I will ever do.