Hitting an all time low.
Don’t know how to start this but it is certainly better to write here than on twitter. I wish I could just feel happy, fun to be with, a brain wizzing wildly with shit puns, looking to a future free of flashbacks all the time.
But I can’t and it hurts. What hurts the most is that I have asked for help in the most direct way possible and it has still not come. My wrist still hurts constantly and my hand will never work properly again. That’s the physical damage. The mental damage is far worse. Despite having some great days, I go to bed and every single night I am plagued with flashbacks. I try and stop them by using techniques I have read about but they don’t work. I just want to talk. To a person who understands PTSD AND HELP ME PROPERLY.
Today I feel physically and mentally finished. It is a heavy overwhelming ankle ball of cunt that you cannot shake off. I have chased appointment, I have done all I can. I just have to wait. Cutting yourself gets you nowhere as I have learnt because nobody at A&E cares that you turn up waving a severed hand in there face saying “Hello. I’m having constant flashbacks to being raped and it is ruining my life and career and basically it has made me try and end my life three times. I don’t want to die, can you help me put my life back to how it once was? I have a nice family and good, supportive friends. I would like to keep them. Please?”
I don’t know what else I am supposed to do. And infact today I don’t even care. Why the fuck should I? I may aswell just hand my notice in because my career is fucked anyway. I can’t watch the news and see those cunts in power because I blame them for forcing me to work in London. I blame London for breaking me. I coped pretty much okay until the pressure came. Now I can’t even phone a gas company or a doctor without psyching myself up to do so.
I basically can’t cope. Today.
I hope this is just today and am focusing on tomorrow being a good one and I write a good blog about what a whiney fuckwit I was yesterday.