RAPE: been there, I don’t need the T-shirt.
by sharongooner
Rape has been everywhere I look this week, internet, tv, and sadly real life. When you’ve been a victim you unfortunately become unrepairably sensitive to the word, hearing it, seeing it, thinking about it. No amount of counselling can bleach your mind, but you can learn to live with it. Which I have been doing and doing it rather well.
But I cannot stand by silently when I can see this new, “Rape Culture” growing before my eyes. On monday evening, I was watching Coronation Street, it was the beginning of the trial of a man who had raped a character called Carla. I was interested to see how it was dealt with, having followed the storyline from the beginning. I speak to other rape victims regularly on-line, be it via email or twitter, we are very close having been thrown together by unfortunate events, and on this particular night I had to turn my computer and phone off until well after it had finished. Everywhere I looked there were rape jokes, people trying to outdo one another. It’s upsetting when you have to block people on twitter because of their ignorance, but thank goodness you can. I’ve always said it’s up to you if you find this sort of thing amusing, if you do and you know the effects it has on victims, then we part ways. We agree to disagree.
On Tuesday, twitter was outraged at an account advertising t-shirts with rape slogans on. Again, I found myself having to log out of something I enjoy before I either ended up feeling ill, or completely losing it with some undeserving Unisad sympathiser.
I popped back on there on Tuesday evening, and see one of my friends saying she was stepping away from twitter because of abuse. I had a glimpse at her timeline. She had pulled someone up who had tweeted
“#iftherewerenopolice I would rape all the pretty girls”.
She was very brave to do so, I thought, because I am too nervous to do this on twitter . She told this user (who was not an anonymous troll, he was a real man) she had been raped, and it had destroyed her. Instead of apologising for his ignorance, or ignoring her, he replied “I would rape you”. That was when she took her leave. There came a bit of tooing and throwing, his followers defending him, hers defending her, none of it pretty or very rational (you cannot have rational arguments on twitter), but he stood by his stance that it was nothing more than “a joke”.
My mum would say “if you are not online you won’t see none of this”. This is true, so today I decided to go out, we chose a different shop to buy our groceries from, and whilst walking to the checkout, the man who raped me was walking towards us. He was with an old man, I can only presume this was his dad. For a split second I didn’t know what to do, but I quickly decided to do nothing other than stare at him and carry on. My husband had not seen him, and I did not want a scene so I didn’t tell him. This monster saw me staring, and quickly ushered the man he was with up the next aisle so we would not pass each other. I never saw him again. I did the right thing, I won, I felt strong, he looked weak. I always knew he was weak because that is what a rapist is, but I drew on everything my counselling has taught me, and despite feeling extremely upset, I felt okay. I don’t know how I will feel tonight when I am alone, I don’t know how I will feel when bedtime comes, and that is where close contact with my internet friends comes in. But if I feel I have to avoid the internet for fear of further damage, I would have nobody.
I arrived home and I read this column by @Naomimc
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/feb/01/uni-lad-slogan-t-shirts
And then I stupidly read the comments, as far as I could.
Okay. 200 odd people would rather sneer at the style of writing, accuse her of being an angry feminist than discuss the real issue. All typical of the type of people who abuse the freedom of comment. I admire women who put themselves out there when this backlash is inevitable on every subject, I just would not have the strength. I thank them for doing it.
What is missing is education in rape recovery. An awareness of trauma triggers. It isn’t a case of it happens and then it is over so pull yourself together. Rape never goes away, one of my online friends is sectioned in hospital right now because of PTSD relating to rape.
I don’t know what else to say. The internet and my circle of online friends mean so much to me and my recovery. I don’t want to wear the victim hat, I want a normal life. I don’t want to have to avoid things I enjoy, I want to discuss current affairs, laugh at FUNNY jokes, not risk a week of triggered flashbacks and anxiety just because of ignorance.
But how can I? I can’t tell people how to behave, and what is right and what is wrong.
Maybe, my mum is right.
TTFN x
Sharongooner's Blog 
For some time now, I have been feeling that there was a big meeting that I somehow missed, at which it was decided that a horrible crime which ruins lives and consequently carries a potential sentence of life imprisonment, is actually *funny*. Not just funny, but inconsequential. Material for “humorous” T-shirts. Minor enough that to describe a soundly beaten football team as having “been raped” on a Saturday afternoon. Jokey and negligable enough to correct describe what happens if you leave your Facebook or Twitter account logged in and someone pretends to post as you – LOL! As a woman, as a feminist, and as someone who works in criminal justice reading the Victim Inpact Statements and interviewing the perpetrators, I am distressed every single time I see the word demeaned and downgraded by treating it as a joke. Sites which would pull racist or homophobic postings in an instant allow women-hating, rape-excusing comments on a daily basis. I just wish I knew how to make the commenters gain some empathay and make it stop.
Well said, SG. People need to be more aware of the ongoing nature of the harm, and stop defending everything as ‘just a joke’. It isn’t a joke, and we should never stop saying so.
Articles like this make me despair at humanity, or more accurately the lack of it, that is portrayed online. I understand why you need to avoid triggers but it make me unspeakably sad that this means you have to avoid a source of help and support to you. Do whatever it takes for you to stay strong and well x
You have gained a lot of respect, admiration and at least one new follower .
Well written. I have also ‘been there’ and still struggle with PTSD as a result. I hope you continue to be strong and you dealt amazingly well with seeing your attacker. Love and light to you
Well written. Myself and friends are despairing a bit at the ‘it’s just a joke culture’ that seems to exist online in respect to rape. You have rightly (in my opinion) highlighted that Twitter is not place to have conversation like that. Disengaging from such a conversation is the right thing to do. Pick your battles.
I love your attitude, SG. And I admire you so much. You can’t tell others how to behave, only set your own standards. And you have great standards. Never forget that.
This is an issue of right and wrong. It isn’t a free speech issue. To use a legal approach, a reasonable person would understand that joking about rape risks causing people real distress. There is no excuse for any person without serious mental incapacity to act as if that distress doesn’t exist; and, being aware of it, there is no moral (and potentially no legal) excuse for them behaving that way.
I have ptsd from sexual assault too. On the positive side, I can say that it affects me much less severely now than it used to, so there is hope. I understand not wanting to take on battles you’re not strong enough to fight. Just don’t ever go thinking that you don’t have the right to.
Brilliant blog. Thank you. I hope against hope that one day, it will become societally unacceptable to rape, beat, or degrade women. Like smoking and drink-driving are becoming. I guess those two could be considered minor test cases before the *real* important issue is addressed.
Good luck with your continued successful recovery!
🙂 You do the same as me and walk away from the cretins who believe rape is funny. Also, you’re not a victim, you are a survivor! An amazingly strong one, from the sounds of things! Stay strong! Support is where you lease expect it. 🙂
I’ve been feeling exactly the same way lately (as a survivor of abuse and sexual violence who has struggled with PTSD). The hardest part for me is the Facebook posts, because I do actually know everyone on my FB page, and feel unsafe with them when they post rape jokes. With the support of my therapist, I’ve been trying not to feel compelled to respond to every one who posts them, but the triggering is hard to manage. I’m struggling with the same issues you are – whether to disconnect and lose support or try to gird myself for the frustration and disconnection of a trigger. It is helpful to know I’m not the only one having these reactions. And huge kudos and congratulations to you for your reaction when running into the man who raped you – that has been a focus of my anxiety at times, and I’m reassured to see that if it happens, in the moment it is possible to react as well as you did!
A gripping post! Shocking. I can’t seem to articulate how I feel. To put it simply: I was with you all the way as you told your story, and froze when you said you saw him. The emotional significance of how you responded to that situation is not lost on me. Maybe some peace and healing will come of it.
I have been learning a lot about trauma lately and the importance of listening to our bodies because they have a memory too. I hope to write about my findings on my blog at some point.
Congratulations on facing down your attacker. That can’t’ve been easy, but it looks like you’ve regained a fair bit of the power that was taken from you by this ordeal… Keep going.
You’re an inspiration SG. xx
Thank you.
It’s only by sharing the story that you can enlighten people. I’m fed up of seeing people talk about rape as a joke. I understand the bitterness and anger that this kind of idiocy and insensitivity can induce. That you haven’t turned to misandry, anger and bitter rhetoric is very much appreciated. THAT takes a strength far more than most people.
I disagree that it is not a free speech issue as someone says here. Simply because if an idiot who thinks rape is funny exercises their free speech I have 2 responses at my disposal. To make clear to them how appalling their views are; or to shun them. Without their free speech I wouldn’t be able to identify them for what they are.
So I am sorry that this “freedom” has such a high price for you; however I’m glad you have also chosen to use your own freedom to challenge the notion that free speech cannot hurt anyone. It does. What I’m hoping for is that it will also help you heal.
Stay stronger than the idiots; be better than them and know that people like me will always be cheering you on in tackling such an awful burden (if cheering is the right response couldn’t think of a positive term to match it).
Wonderful post. I can’t bare people using that word in jest, it is not funny. Thank you for your post.
I remember being horrified when I first came across the ‘frape’ term. But it was used by someone I know had been subjected to the actual act, so who was I to bring her up over it? I dunno, is it like the ‘n’ word being reclaimed by people of colour? But that doesn’t give men the right to use the concept lightly. Much respect to you, btw.
I have to tell you that I don’t find any of the rape jokes funny.
More of a ‘how too guide’ really. Cheers!
Briliant blog as ever Sharon. I hope you continue to blog and post on Twitter. You are an inspiration to us all and one of my favourite people online
I commented on that Comment Is Free post, but I called her up on her double standards with regards to rape jokes being acceptable based on who delivers them, which I thought was fair to note.
Social media is addictive and terrible, but it’s sad that what started out as a means of personal communication is now a place where your nightmares come back. I’m sorry for that, and hope that the furore surrounding UniLad is the start of the road to change.
I read your blog for the 1st time tonight and I want to say how impressed I am by you. You are so strong minded. I want to also say how brave I think you are for writing about such a painful topic on here. It takes real courage to do it. I think you are an inspiration to a lot of people.
Sometimes in life for whatever reason bad things happen to good people and you are one of the good ones who’s had to deal with a terrible ordeal. I think you are fantastic to write about your feelings on this subject having gone through it yourself. Like I’ve already said it takes real guts to open up about something like that. I’m a bit of a soppy bloke when I read things like this. It breaks my heart to think animals like that guy are still walking the streets. I’m sorry..I have no reason to be getting irate.
I sincerely hope you have a great life from now on and that all you want from life is granted you soon…
I understand what you mean about Social Networks. It needs to be policed better so that scum like those brainless idiots are taken down from twitter and never allowed to be on any online social thingy..Good on your friend for standing up to those Aholes. I wonder would they be the same if, God forbid, it happened to their sister or mother? I seriously doubt it girl. A bunch of uneducated swine. Actually that’s a bit unfair on pigs. Pigs are actually very clever creatures and for me to lump them in with those aholes on twitter and other sites is wrong.
Anyway, I would like to end by apologising for rabbiting so much on here. I always say too much online. It’s something about the typing. I got good at it so I love typing and try and find anything to talk about so I can keep improving..lol..How insane do I sound?…Ling mao atm..I think you’re smashin’ and wish you all the very best for the future…
P.s. You’re a Gooner 2, eh? Sad times at…I was gonna say HIGHBURY..NOT! I can’t remember the name of your ground atm..I’m an Aston Villa fan and tho your team may be going through a rough patch right now take solice in the fact that my team are in an even worse predicament..You have Arsen Wenger but we have Alec McLeish..Now I’m crying uncontrolably..See what I mean? I would talk about anything just to keep typing….All the best girl..take care,
Michael.
Hello Sharon, I’ve only just read your blog post after I saw your name on my twitter TL. As a survivor of abuse, I can only say that I appreciate and applaud your honesty. My past is something that is almost impossible for me to talk about and its with me every day. After alot of therapy I can only start to appreciate that I survived what happened and that it wasn’t my fault. I just wanted to say that I appreciated your post, it made me feel less alone and if you ever want to talk, you now have my email. Thank you, sincerely, Alison
Every time I see a rape “joke” another part of me dies. It’s taken me 21 years to finally face up to my rape and seek counselling. In large part to reading your book.
Thank you xxx
Amazing article. Huge respect to you.